Still Running
by dashboardconfessions
Summary: WARNING: HOUSE OF HADES SPOILERS. Nico's feelings at the end of the book, about Percy and about life in general. Nico-centric, with some Nico/Jason friendship.


**Nico absolutely broke my heart through this whole book. And so I wrote this. Nico, apart from Percy and Leo, is my favorite character, and I swear feels from him are the worst. I just...I cried. This literally took me like, three hours, which is not very long considering that I usually take a month to write oneshots, but this one came so easily. Anyway, please read, review, favorite, etc. Thanks! **

Percy looked like a corpse.

Well, so did Annabeth, but Nico really wasn't focused on her. Percy looked like he had dropped ten or more pounds since his fall into Tartarus. His face was thin and angular, his skin paler than Nico's own. His dark hair was in his face, all messy and sticking up everywhere, and his clothes hung off of him in shreds. Cuts and scratches and dried blood covered almost ever inch of his body. His sea green eyes had lost their shine. Now, they just looked like the eyes of a person who had seen too much in his life. And he knew that Percy had. As if everything else he had been through before wasn't enough, he just had to fall into Tartarus and suffer through that.

Nico wondered if that's what he looked like when he got out. Probably worse. He was already skinny and pale and scary-looking, according to pretty much any person he came across. He probably looked skeletal after his trip through Tartarus.

There was a difference between his and Percy's trips through Tartarus. Percy had had Annabeth to help him and comfort him and encourage him the entire way; Nico had been all alone, slowly losing his sanity.

Still, no one should ever have to go through that, alone or not. Nico would have liked to talk to Percy about it, not so much to tell him that it would be okay, because it would not. They were out, but the memories were still there. No, all he wanted was to talk and share an understanding.

But he could not. He was afraid of being around Percy with all those feelings that he was trying to hide deep, deep inside of him. He had been running and hiding from it ever since Bianca's death. At first, he had blamed Percy for his sister dying, but how could he do that? He could see how terrible Percy felt about it, how heartbroken he was. Somewhere along the line, he started seeing Percy, not as the enemy, but as possibly the greatest person he had ever met. And farther along the line, he fell in love.

Not a crush, no. He was in love.

This wasn't fair! None of it was. Why did he have to live this cursed life? He was an outsider in every sense of the word. First of all, he was supposed to be more than eighty years old, probably dead by now, but no, he was fourteen. He was supposed to grow up in the 1930s and 1940s, but he had been trapped in that stupid hotel and spent decades in there without realizing it. He was stuck in a world, a new, advanced, and very different world that he was not meant to be in.

And secondly, he was a son of Hades, god of the Underworld, god of the dead. He was weird because he could control the dead, and in fact, spent most of his time with the dead. He could shadow-travel, talk to spirits, and navigate his way through the underground with ease. He was morbid, strange, creepy. An outcast. Even when he was at Camp Half-Blood, waiting on Percy and Bianca's return, he knew that. The kids whispered behind his back and pointed and stared and flinched any time he even looked at them, as if they expected him to be able to suck the life right out of them in one single glance. People were afraid of him, and it only worsened with age. It was the most difficult thing to make friends when you had to introduce yourself as a son of Hades, god of the Underworld. People just automatically assumed he was obsessed with ghosts and zombies and stuff.

And, as if that weren't enough, he had to like boys! Perhaps now, in this time, it was a little better accepted, but it still made him an outsider. There were still people who would judge, call him names, beat him up, try to hurt him. In his time, before he had gotten stuck at the Lotus Hotel, people literally throttled guys like him. If he remember correctly, when he was about six or seven, he saw a guy get beat up on the streets and left for dead. Another young man ended up helping the man up and cleaning him off. Nico hadn't understood at the time, but he thought he did now. That man was different from the others, he stuck out, he did not conform to the other men's ways, because he liked other men.

So yes, in every sense, Nico was an outsider. But no one ever stopped to think about it. People always thought he _chose _who he was. Well, he didn't. He didn't _choose _to be stuck in a hotel for more than sixty years. He didn't _choose _for his father to be the god of the Underworld and give him powers over the dead. And he certainly didn't _choose _to fall in love with Percy Jackson. But that's what had happened, and that was the exact reason why he would never, ever be able to fit in anywhere he went.

After they beat Clytius and got rid of the Doors of Death, everyone gathered around Percy and Annabeth and hugged them and cried and told them how badly they had missed them and how incredibly _brave _the two of them were.

Not Nico. He disappeared into the shadows, like he was so good at doing, and watched from a distance. Piper embraced Annabeth and cried until there were no more tears to cry. Hazel did the same. Frank and Jason and Leo all clapped Percy on the shoulder and told him how empty the ship had seemed without him and how they were so glad to see him again. Everyone just seemed so overjoyed and relieved.

And no one seemed to notice that there was one person missing from that mix. Especially Percy. Nico was probably the last person on Percy's mind. He had probably completely forgotten Nico was there. After all, what use was little, insignificant Nico di Angelo to the great Percy Jackson?

Percy could smile and talk to his friends all he wanted to, put on an act about how great everything was now and how happy he was, but Nico knew how he truly felt. He could see right through Percy's act. And he knew. He knew all about what Tartarus could do to a person. He could understand.

There was a loud cracking sound that echoed through the wide-open space they were in, and it seemed to grab everyone's attention. They had to get out of there. And fast, before the walls started caving in on them.

Of course, that was a good time to notice Nico. He could shadow-travel, he could get them out of a place rather quickly. It didn't matter whether Nico was there or not when they were rejoicing and embracing and crying, but when they needed a quick way out from underground, suddenly he was the most important person in the room.

He should not be so bitter. But he was.

His sister, Hazel, had never shadow-traveled before, and he had never carried this many people. But he and Hazel were the only choice that the crew had, so they had to at least try.

He subconsciously drew toward Percy. He gave directions and gripped Hazel's and someone else's hands on either side of him. As the walls started to crumble and the floor started to crack, he and Hazel were able to generate enough Hades/Pluto kid power to get them out of there. It was hard, shadow-traveling, trying to force the shadows to consume you and to force yourself to melt into the shadows. But it was done.

They were above ground again, with the early morning sun shining down on them and reminding them that the world was continuing on, just as if nothing had just happened to all of them, as if none of them had almost lost their lives fighting to save the world. The sun made everyone smile, made the world seem like a perfectly happy place. That's why Nico preferred the darkness. He could hide there.

Hazel had released his hand, and he quickly looked over to his other side to see that it was Percy's hand that he had been holding. His eyes widened, and Percy looked directly at him. Immediately, Nico pulled his hand away, even though he didn't want to. If he could, he would hold on forever, until he couldn't hold on any longer. He pulled away because it felt _right_, and he didn't want it to. It wasn't supposed to feel right, but it did, and he hated himself for it.

As he turned away from Percy, he caught Hazel's eye. He could see it all over her face, the concern, the worry. He could tell that she wanted to ask him what was wrong. But this was not something he could talk to Hazel about, not yet. She would not understand. She would judge. She would try to make him feel better.

No, she would not judge. She had come from around the same time as he did, so she could somewhat understand what he was going through. But it was not the same. He was still an outsider, while Hazel seemed to fit right in. And she would not understand his feelings for Percy. She had grown up in a time when it was beyond wrong for men to like other men, just like he did. No, he could not let her know anything. If he did, what if she turned away from him?

He did not hold her gaze for too long. He did not want to think that something was wrong. Most of the time, he was fairly unreadable, but he had a feeling that now, it was all over his face that something was wrong. So he disappeared behind Piper and Jason.

But he could still see Percy and Annabeth. Their hands were still tightly clasped together, and her head rested on his shoulder. Even though they were fresh back from Tartarus, Annabeth looked like she was as content as she could be. And, though Nico did not want to admit it, Percy did too.

Contrary to popular belief, Nico did have a heart. And it was breaking right now.

Someone suggested that they tell Coach Hedge that they were there, but there was no sense in that. He was already on deck, along with Reyna, the praetor from Camp Jupiter. Everyone seemed pleased to see her, and Coach Hedge seemed pleased to see all of them. In fact, that was probably the happiest that Nico had ever seen the old satyr. That would mean more catching up and crying and hugging, and that would also mean Nico could leave. As long as people were happy and distracted, there was no point for him to be there. No one would notice he was gone, probably. They never did. They always made decisions without him, always forgot that he was even there.

He did not have a room aboard the Argo II. When Leo had designed it, he only made room for eight, the seven of the prophecy, plus Coach Hedge. Leo had offered up his, since he was hardly ever in it, but Nico hadn't accepted.

Until now. They would expect him at his usual hideout. Here, he could hide. Eventually, they would find him, if they ever even noticed he was gone, but until then, he could be alone. Just like he wanted to be.

The anger was boiling inside of him. He didn't want to be angry, but he couldn't stop it. It wasn't fair! It wasn't fair that he had to live this life. It wasn't fair that he had to live in a time that he didn't belong, with a father who gave him a bad reputation, and be in love with a _boy _who would never even look twice at him.

"It's not fair!" he shouted as he slammed the door behind him. He closed his eyes and clenched his fists, trying to calm himself down, but the anger wouldn't go away. He hated himself. He hated the world.

Before he could stop himself, he was attacking the chair in the corner of the room. He picked it up and threw it to the ground and looked around, trying to find something else in the room he could throw. But there was nothing. Just the bed. He clenched his fists again and let out a weak sob. _Don't cry_, he told himself. But even so, he could feel the tears welling up in his eyes, and any second now they would break loose. He collapsed onto the bed, face down, and let the tears fall freely.

He was not supposed to cry. He was a son of Hades. He had seen death and destruction all around him ever since he found out. He had gotten strong over the years, been able to tolerate much more. Or, that's what he thought. But that wasn't true at all. He had been running, running from places that he couldn't fit in at, from people that judged him, from people that would never understand or feel his pain.

But mostly, he had been running from himself and his feelings, hoping that if he ran fast enough and long enough, things would change, and maybe, just maybe, things would start to make sense. Perhaps he would start to be a little more normal.

That was not going to happen. He had been running for a long time, and nothing had changed. He still loved Percy, even though he knew he shouldn't. And it hurt. It hurt worse than anything that anyone could call him for being a son of Hades. People could call him a freak, creepy, strange, morbid, weird, or any other amount of names that they wanted to. People could talk about him and spread rumors and question him and distrust him all they wanted to. But that did not hurt nearly as much as it did to see Percy and Annabeth together. To look at Percy and know that he would never love him, never care about him, probably never even fully trust him.

Nico rolled over onto his back and stared up at the ceiling, trying to wipe away the tears that were rolling down his cheeks, but there was no point. More tears followed.

"So whose idea of a cruel joke was this?" he asked, to no one in particular. But if the gods were listening, then that was okay. "I'm not sure, but my money's on Aphrodite. She loves messing with people's feelings, doesn't she?"

There was no answer. He didn't expect one anyway.

He cried until his eyes were swollen and hurting and he couldn't cry anymore. This was not right. Not right at all. If his mother or his grandmother, or even his sister, could see him now, they would probably be disgusted with him. He tried not to think that Bianca would be, but he knew that it was probably true. Crying over a _boy_. Crying because every time he looked at that boy or thought about that boy, all he could do was hope that he would love him back one day, but knowing that he never would. Crying because that boy loved a girl, and that boy would never love him. Because he was a _boy_.

No one would understand. How could he explain to someone that when he was reaching down into that gaping hole, where Percy and Annabeth fell into Tartarus, he was trying to save Percy? It was too late for Annabeth, he knew. There was nothing he could do to get her out. But Percy…he could have saved Percy. And Percy chose to be with Annabeth instead. He had rushed to that hole to reach down and try to save Percy. But not Annabeth. He hadn't even been thinking of Annabeth. All he had been thinking of was not letting Percy go through the same thing as he did.

How terrible was he?

And how could he explain to anyone that the reason he had led them to the House of Hades was because he had promised Percy? And the reason he had promised Percy is because he wanted to believe that there was a way for Percy to get out. He could not live with himself knowing that Percy had fallen into Tartarus and died there. So he led the entire crew there, hoping that he could get Percy out, alive and well. Or, as well as he could be.

Again, not thinking about Annabeth.

They did eventually find him, as he thought they would. Hazel would eventually notice that he wasn't there. He loved Hazel, but she fit right in with these people, and he did not. Being popular sometimes made people forget about their weird brothers. But still, he was grateful for her. She was the closest thing he would ever have to Bianca. But she was not Bianca. And she never would be.

He tried to cover up the fact that he had been in there crying, but he knew that Hazel could still tell that something was wrong. He didn't want her to ask him about it, because he didn't want to talk about it. He didn't want anyone to know. So he did not give her a chance to ask what was wrong. Instead, he asked her what was going on, and for then, she forgot about his problems and invited him outside to eat lunch with the rest of the crew.

He did not want to go, but he did not want Hazel to think that something was going on with him. After all, Percy and Annabeth were out of Tartarus. This was a cause for celebration, right? He didn't want to add to Hazel's suspicions. So he went.

But he wished that he hadn't. Everyone was in such high spirits, recounting the stories about fighting all those monsters and how amazing Frank was and how Hazel and Leo had outsmarted Pasiphae and all the other things that had happened. Despite everything, they were all in great moods.

For a moment, when they were fighting, he had laughed. Really laughed. And that was because he felt happy. But now that Percy and Annabeth were here…it was just like the feeling had faded away.

He did not eat much, just a pomegranate. He was not hungry. In fact, he felt incredibly sick. Sitting at the other side of the circle were Percy and Annabeth. Even though they were eating, they still held hands, and she sat so close to him, like being too far away from him would absolutely destroy her. Sometimes they would tune out the conversation going on around them and just stare into each other's eyes, like they were communicating some sort of secret message that no one else would understand.

Nico didn't need to watch them. He was only hurting himself. But the thing with Percy was, Nico could get hurt over and over and over again, but that would not stop him from loving Percy. He had learned that the hard way, after years of running. Nothing would ever make him stop loving Percy. There was no escape.

He caught Piper watching him, and he quickly looked away from the two. He didn't need Piper spreading any more rumors about him.

Now they were talking about getting the Athena Parthenos statue back to Camp Half-Blood. Reyna had to take it; Annabeth had decided that. But she could not take it alone. After traveling over here by herself and losing her pegasus, they would not hear of her traveling back on her own. It was far too dangerous. But none of them could go, because they were all important. They all had something to do with the prophecy. They had to stick together.

Nico wasn't important. He was not mentioned in the prophecy. And would they really suffer if he was not there? Besides, he could not stay here. Not with Percy and Annabeth aboard. Not with his feelings. His disgusting, sickening feelings.

So he volunteered himself. At first, there was a little protest, but they didn't argue too much. He noticed that Jason did not argue at all. Perhaps because he was the only one who could somewhat see what was going through Nico's mind. He didn't understand Nico completely, but at least he was trying.

Nico didn't much want to head off on a mission with Reyna and Coach Hedge and return to Camp Half-Blood, where he had never been able to find a home. But it was better than being here, constantly hurting every day. At least, with Reyna and Hedge, he was separating himself from the problem. And maybe, just maybe, it would make the pain go away, just for a little while.

They were to meet there at sunset, on the hill. That was when Nico, Reyna, and Hedge would depart. Nico would have liked to leave immediately, but it took preparation with such a large statue like the Athena Parthenos. And besides, he sensed that Reyna would like a little extra time on board to visit with friends.

He planned on staying in Leo's room until then, alone, but that did not happen. There was a knock at the door, and before he could tell whoever it was to go away, Piper let herself in.

She looked really sad about something, and she had the same look of concern on her face that Hazel had. And she also looked somewhat nervous, like she was afraid he would lash out at her at any second.

He wanted to like Piper. She was a good person, for the most part, and she was very loyal to her friends. She was mostly nice, and she was a decent fighter. But she was also a daughter of Aphrodite, and Aphrodite was probably Nico's worst enemy in the world right now. And also, Piper had been spreading rumors across the Argo II ever since he had climbed aboard. She didn't think he knew, but he did. She told everyone that he liked Annabeth, and that's the reason why he had run away from Camp Half-Blood, because he couldn't stand seeing her with Percy. She was close enough to what the actual problem was, but still not quite true. She just wanted her sweet, romantic little love story. But that's not what she was going to get, because Nico's love life was anything but sweet and romantic. It was mostly just sickening and sad.

"Um…are you sure that this is what you want to do?" she asked. "I mean…um…" She tried to take back her words, like she thought that he would get angry at her for questioning him. But he just sat on the bed and stared at her, waiting for her to get control of herself. "I mean…you don't have to, if you don't want to."

Nico shrugged. "I'm fine. I don't mind going with Reyna."

"Oh. Okay." Piper played with her hair for a second, twirling it around her finger, and then she dropped it back onto her shoulder and said, "Look, I'm a daughter of Aphrodite, so I think I can talk about this stuff. I mean, most of the time, I don't really understand love either, but I think I can help. If you need someone to talk to. I know that you don't really like Percy, but you don't have to run away because of it."

Nico almost wanted to laugh. Running away because he didn't like Percy? That would have been much better for him, if he didn't like Percy. Things would probably be better if Piper's little love story for him was true, and it really was Annabeth that he loved. But it was not. And this was far more difficult, far more heartbreaking.

It made him angry that she wanted to talk about this with him. Especially since she didn't understand at all. But then he realized, it wasn't really anger that he was feeling. It was his defenses going up, trying to protect his feelings, trying to protect him from getting hurt and judged and insulted.

"You think I'm running away because I don't like…Percy?" He wished that he could replace it with Annabeth. Annabeth was the one he did not like.

No, that was not true. He did like Annabeth. There was a difference in not liking someone and being jealous of them.

"Well…yeah," Piper answered. "I mean…because I can sense when someone has a crush. A curse and a gift from my mother. I have a feeling that you…" Her cheeks turned red, and she looked down at the floor, looking completely flustered. Perhaps she was regretting coming in here to talk to him. Good. He didn't want to talk to her. "Never mind. But I wish that you would think it through more. I mean, it's not that I doubt you can do it, it's just…" She looked like she very well would have liked to melt right into the floor. Thankfully, another knock came at the door. She let out a breath of relief.

It was Jason, the very last person that Nico wanted to see right now. Jason was the only one that knew, and he knew that that was what Jason had come to talk about. He did not want to talk to Jason about it. He didn't want to talk to anyone at all. He just wanted to leave and try to forget how he felt, even though he knew that he never would.

"Pipes?" Jason said. "What are you doing in here?"

"Nothing," Piper answered quickly. "I was just um…I was coming to see if Nico needed help getting ready to leave."

"Right," Jason said, though he didn't look like he quite believed her. "Well, why don't you go and help Hazel pack food for them? She could probably use some help. I'll help Nico."

Piper nodded and rushed out the door, looking grateful that Jason had come to her rescue. She shouldn't have come down here in the first place. She could be concerned all she wanted to, but Nico was never, ever going to confide in her for anything. Especially this.

"I don't need your help," he said, as soon as the door shut and he knew Piper was gone. He tried to make his tone sound as menacing as possible. Jason cringed, but he did not back down. Apparently, Jason was not creeped out by him anymore. "I know what you came to talk about. And I don't want to talk about it."

Jason sighed and crossed his arms over his chest. "Right. This won't take long at all. I just…couldn't help but notice you weren't celebrating with us. I mean, it's great that Percy and Annabeth are back, right? Or…um…it's great that Percy's back, right?"

Nico hesitated to answer, just stared at Jason for a moment before replying. "Yes. Yes, it's good to know he got out safely."

"So why were you so eager to run away then?" Jason asked. "You volunteered so easily. I would have thought that maybe you would have liked to stay here…you know, after confessing your feelings and everything to Cupid and all-"

"No one was supposed to know about that," Nico hissed. "I didn't want to do that, and I didn't want you to be there for it."

Jason was silent for a moment before speaking again. "Yeah, but you did do it. And I was there. You can't take it back. Look…" He sighed and ran a hand through his hair. "I just want to try to understand how you're feeling, okay? You can't bottle yourself up forever. Can you at least tell me why you're not even attempting to talk to Percy? You won't even go near him."

"It doesn't matter," Nico murmured under his breath. "I'm leaving at sunset with Reyna and Coach Hedge, and if you came here to stop me, you're just wasting your time."

"I didn't come here to stop you," Jason replied. "I just want to understand."

"Yeah?" Nico said, his voice rising as he got up from the bed. "Well, you can't. Okay? You have Piper. She loves you. You love her. No one is ever going to come between that. The two of you were meant to be together. You don't have to be in love with someone-" He stopped himself.

Jason's eyes widened a little, but for the most part, he didn't seem surprised. "You're in love with Percy? Not just a crush then?" He pursed his lips tightly together and then let out a breath. "You're right. I can't understand you."

"Exactly," Nico said. "Because Piper is a _girl_! And she loves you. You'll never understand how it feels to love another boy who has a girlfriend and will never love you back."

"No, I won't," Jason said simply, sitting down on the bed. He patted the spot next to him to signal Nico to sit down.

Nico was usually the one making people nervous, but right now, Jason was making him a little nervous. He sat down, but he was wondering what Jason was getting at. He was being too calm.

"Piper and I are together," Jason said, "and I'm happy. Percy and Annabeth love each other, and they're happy-" Before Nico could react, Jason held up his hand to silence him. "Let me finish. Now I'm not trying to get your hopes up or anything. Trust me, I don't want you getting hurt. But you don't know how Percy feels. And you don't know that him and Annabeth are going to be together forever. No one knows the future for certain. Don't worry; I'm not going to tell anyone. That's your choice. But do you know what I think? I think that, instead of running away from who you are, you should embrace it. And instead of running away because of your feelings, I think you should at least try to talk to Percy. He's your friend, and he cares about you. You're worried that he doesn't, but he does. I can see that. I think you should try to work on your friendship with him, though, because you don't know what the future holds."

Of course Nico knew what the future held! He was going to be sitting in a cemetery one day in the future, all by himself, wallowing in his own misery and hating his own existence, and he was going to hear all about Percy and Annabeth's wedding. He was going to see them build their lives together, and people were going to talk about how amazing they were together, and they were going to be happy. And he was going to be alone. That was the future. Because Percy did not care.

"Just another hour or so until sunset," Nico said. "I guess I need to start getting the statue ready."

Jason sighed, and Nico could tell that he was frustrated, but he managed a smile as he got up from the bed and walked toward the door. "So I see you're still running then. Well, you can't run forever. I know the race kind of seems pretty hopeless right now, but once you get to the finish line, I think you'll be satisfied. But eventually, you have to stop running."

He smiled again and waited for Nico to say something. But Nico did not say anything. He had nothing to say. So Jason walked out, shutting the door behind him.

How could Jason be so optimistic, as if the future held great things for Nico? His whole life had sucked up until this point. Why should it change now?

"I will stop running," he murmured to himself. "One day. Maybe."

Until then, he was going to do what he could to help. And he was going to continue to hide his feelings. But one day, maybe, he would tell someone besides Jason. And one day, maybe, he might even tell Percy. And one day, maybe, Percy might even love him back.

But until then, he was going to continue running.


End file.
